Hi Friends,

I have a small dilemma which I'll try to fully explain. The question is at the end.

I am 48 years old. My parents who live very near by are 77 and 76 years old. I have a 28 year old son and his wife will be 28 in July. They have a 7.5 month old baby girl...and live in MN, about a 1 to 1.25 hours away.

My son calls my parents: Gran and Gramps. It was my parents (Gran and Gramps) that helped me raise my son - with morals, values, instill volunteerism and a sense of family and community within him. *sigh* Some of it has stuck....my son is VERY VERY respectful towards his grandparents (not at all towards me...that's another story though).

My Mom (son's Gran) suffers from the terrors of Alzheimer's Disease and Parkinson's along with other aliments. My Dad (Gramps) has health issues. Dad cares for Mom (married 55 years!!!) and I care for the both of them on a very regular basis.

Over Mother's Day weekend there was a falling out (son/daughter in law) as my son didn't bother to call or stop by...even though they were having lunch with his wife's Mom and family about 2-3 miles from my house.. Again another story for another time.

My Daughter in Law had written me a rather nasty note... which I cooled off and then responded to (she actually chastised me for not tracking them down so my son could wish me a Happy Mother's Day among other silly things!).

In this letter she wrote -- she actually blamed "Jane" for the Mother's Day incident. "Jane" should have remembered what she said on the phone (for PETE'S sake...she has alzheimer's disease rather badly).

Of course I am agast that they blame poor Mom..... BUT (here's the question) I took more offense that the almost 28 year old, highly educated daughter in law had the nerve to refer to Mom, her husband's Grandma as JANE.

I've cooled off and will respond to some of the garbage piled on...but I also wish to let my d-i-l know it is unacceptable to call Mom by her first name "Jane". Mom is NOT competent to suggest names and would not make any waves IF my d-i-l were to call her Jane...she'd just hate it and wonder where her manners are. WHAT ALTERNATIVE NAMES would you suggest for my d-i-l? I'd say "Gramma or Gran" is acceptable but I cannot think of any other names that would be fine and Mom would recognize (she would not recognize Nana or anything like that due to the Alzheimer's). I wonder if Miss Jane (though married 55 years) is appropriate...it BEATS simply the disrespect of Jane. ~~~ By the way...if my d-i-l were to call Mom "Jane" to her face... I'm not sure if she'd correct her immediately (she would if in her right mind) or if she'd just put her head down and say nothing so she doesn't feel she's starting trouble. ~~~ So I suppose it's ME who is having the issue with what I feel is utter disrespect.

Sorry this is so long... I wanted to lay out what's what before I make a strong suggestion on terminology for my d-i-l to use.

Thank you,

doni is far west Wisconsin

tyvm, I understand where your coming from, but alot of older folks don't like others to call them anything except their imediate family. I work in a hospital and and when old folks are admitted some of the employees will call them grams or pa. I have heard a lot of them say "please don't call me that, I apreciated if you call me by my first name". I feel it's alright for your dil to address your mom by her first name. There is no disrepect in that.

I dunno..... I understand about a hospital setting as worked in upper admin at a huge Chicagoland hospital, home care and hospice. I can understand where a patient/client may not want this (perhaps a person in a nursing home may like it..dunno).

When my child was growing up... neighbors close to us he'd refer to as Aunty _____ and Uncle _____ out of respect. It ended up their 2 boys (now men) called me Mrs. H...and still do. BTW, Uncle____ and Aunt_____ are my granddaughter's God Parents now. =)

I still feel there must be a better name than "Jane" for a young woman of 27/28 years to call her husband's grandmother.

Mum having Alzheimer's...well she and I were talking the other day. I treaded lightly and asked her what she thinks I should call my man-friend's gramma. Mom gave me a speech about respect...and to ask to call her Gramma or Miss Caroline... and instructed Me NOT to just call her by her first name. Reminded me that I'm not on her level and never will be (hmmm, I've said this to my own son before). She's right. Unless this woman asks me to call her Caroline...I will refer to her out of respect. ~~ I did ask Mom what she'd like to be called...and Mom lost what we were talking about unfortunately as she kept saying..."but I'm your Mom, call me Mom."

Thanks for your input....it truly does make a difference.

Please search your heart. I feel that there is something more really bothering you. It is alright to suggest to your dil the name that you would prefer her to use when addressing your mother, but don't do it out of anger. A gentle word turns away wrath.
As a mother-in-law myself, I ask the Lord to give me wisdom. I have a beautiful little granddaughter, and I want her to grow up to be a warm and loving young lady. The example I set, will greatly affect her outcome. I always try to remember a saying I once heard, "It takes the whole village to raise a child."
We can't control the words and actions of others, but we can control how we react to them.
God Bless You

Good Morning LGagliani,

Yes, of course there is a lot more bothering me. However I had decided I will not bring up too much to my son and DIL. THIS particular mess started when I rec'd a steaming email from my dil demanding an apology for not calling my son on MOTHER'S DAY. I reminded the young people that it was Mother's day, not J and C day... that the child is to call or honor their Mother on this special day. I also let both of them know I was busy making my own Mother's Day for my Mom a happy one by cooking her favorite meals (yes plural) and taking her out in the afternoon after lunch. This is why my dil called Mom - "Jane". She felt "Jane" should pass on messages to me which is silly for several reasons, the most being that Mom has high level Alzheimer's. She cannot remember what happens 1 minute ago. This is unfair to Mom/Jane...and I detest the disrespect of referring to her this way (and playing a BIG blame game pinning anger on Mom and her lack of memory, tsk tsk, shame, shame). The young people know how I feel and I've not said much back to them, so the dil wrote another email letter to me. My goodness, I very much wanted to reach out and smack her potty mouth --- but I have not...I've not even answered this email. I will not lower myself to these levels. They seem to be good parents, naive, but good. We all were naive at one time -- but I'm not sticking my nose into the little things -- their baby will be just fine.

Truly the JANE name vs something more appropriate and respectful (and NOT blaming Mom for their own issues) is what's bothering me.

Thank you for asking.

d-

Tyvm54601, I completely agree with you that your daughter-in-law is being very disrespectful - not to mention childish. However, if you have already gently reminded her there is not much you can do.

It sounds like your son & wife have alot of growing up to do. Please don't do or say anything harsh as you could wind up severing your relationship with them for a very, very long time.

When I married my husband, he and his parents were not speaking (and this had been going on for several years). They did not end up coming to our wedding or even being there for the birth of both my children. I cannot tell you how sad this made me. This problem really, really caused probems with other members of the family....no one wanted to take sides. It was a very awful situation.

The good news is that his parents approached us about 2 years ago to reconcile and we said yes! We now get along pretty good and see each other about twice a month (they live approx. 2 hrs away). The stress this problem put on the rest of the family was terrible. I would just caution you on doing or saying anything that you might regret later.

Best of luck.

Dear Friend,

Yes, I completely understand this. This is why I have not responded in a manner which I wanted to upon first seeing the words flung. Truly....I thought the 1st email was going to say, "Gee, we're sorry, we messed up." Or something like there was confusion. NO.... this was a horrid email....and as you said childish. I won't respond to this nonsense. I will admit my son has some sort of chip on his shoulder... nobody in the family can figure it out. The marriage between my son and dil is 2 years old so it's still very new, although they've dated since early 2004. I THINK what happened is that my son pulled another "poor me" to his wife --- Poor Me...Mom doesn't call on Mom's Dad and other very very very immature issues. I THINK his wife felt bad for him and was trying to set me straight (not wise, not polite). In doing so she didnt check the facts and simply shot off her mouth. Again, I'd LIKE to respond and show them the errors of their ways...but will not especially for the reasons you stated. The other large reason is the very people/person I speak and ask about. My own Mother (and Father). I will not tolerate the likely last years of their lives to be put in this distress.

The JANE thing really, really bothers me. (obviously) I have NOT told my dil my feelings on this, reasons and request that she please change her terminology. That's why I came here to a group of adults who likely have children of their own and who may face a similar issue. It's simply disrespectful to call Mom, "Jane." My dil didn't even ask her what she'd like to be called.... no asking if "Jane" is alright. As said, Mom has Alzheimer's upon other maladies...it's so sad to watch her wither away mentally and physically. In caring for my aging parents (I am the only one that does....so maybe I'm over protective) I hear stories from the past over and over, lol. Stories of my own grandparents, of their grandparents and inlaws too. I've listened carefully to my own parents, to my Grandpa when he was alive and I took my queue from them. Try NOT to fight or argue...try not to judge...but if something is really bothering you... talk to the person about it. When it comes to the aged population (even when my own folks were younger) a person ALWAYS showed complete respect. We can certainly learn a thing or two from them...gratefully. I've always been taught that the next generation up, up from there also is above me in many ways. NOT to say any person is better than another...we are simply on different levels. This still holds true.

I'm sorry for all the pain your family suffered. It's my intent not to cause such pain.... however I will not take verbal abuse either. If this continues to happen I will have no choice but to ask not to be spoken to unless it's of honesty and respect. There will be no name calling, there will be no fibbing (ok lies).

I don't blame my dil for trying to help my son, her husband feel better. Howeve the way in which it was done was unaccepatable. The biggest thing is that I CAN make correct choices.... my own Mom cannot due to her medical condition.

Thanks again for listening and sharing. Your story has a happy ending for you, your husband and his parents. I hope all continues to turn out well.

Blessings,

d-

Dear tyvm4601: I don't have any real advise for you... we all seem to have some of these inlaw problems to some extent. What I do want to say to you is that my heart goes out to you and your suffering and your efforts on behalf of your parents (to protect and help them). Sometimes we have to wait for that "well done thy faithful servant" and to know that in our hearts we did do what is right and good and the best we could do in the circumstances and time in which we are living through. Please let this shut out negative thoughts as YOU know how much love you have and how hard You are trying and so does the ONE up above. Living one minute at a time, one hour at a time sometimes is what gets people through for that moment . As simple as it sounds, having faith and hope when you have what seems to be nothing else gets you over the bad stuff. Times do get better, and yes, sometimes silly people ( elatives) do grow up a little. But until ..... the advise so many contributors have given you have wonderful merit. Thinking of you and praying for you and your efforts. Don't burn any bridges if you can help it. Your restraint and kindness is admirable as is your good sense. Deloris, Louisville,Ky.

Why is it disrespectful to call someone by their given name?

I can appreciate that you are upset about many, many issues, but honestly...why is it disrespectful to call someone by their given name? Gran is your SON'S Gran...not your DIL's Gran....she likely has her own grandparents, and even if she doesn't, perhaps she simply feels uncomfortable in calling your parents by these types of names.

Add in the fact that you clearly don't like the girl, and it's easy to see why she may be trying to maintain some sense of detachment. By you trying to force your will on her as to what "is" and "isn't" acceptable, is simply the wrong approach IMO. Does your DIL treat your mom with respect? Is she polite to her when they are together? Do they spend time with you parents on a regular basis? I think those factors are FAR more important that what she chooses to call your mom.

I'm sorry that your son has a chip on his shoulder, but it's very rare that the issues that are causing him and his wife to treat you the way they do are one-sided. I see a lot of childish behaviour on your part as well as their part, and perhaps some professional counselling for all of you would help to build bridges.

Just my thoughts. Good luck, I hope things change for all of you.